LOST Satire: "We Didn't Write the Mysteries"

by Rich Handley

Like millions of others, I was an avid viewer of the television show LOST while its story was still unfolding. And when I say "avid," I don't mean "I liked to watch it each week." I mean I put a LOT of thought into figuring out the mysteries, wondering if I could come up with the answers before they were revealed. Every week, I and a group of e-mail friends discussed each new installment in great detail. Our comments ranged from carnal appreciations of the actors' physiques (such as "Holy crap, Kate looked hot last night" for the guys or "Sawyer without a shirt!" for the girls), to deep analysis of various story elements from scientific, theological and historical angles.

The characters that mattered most, minus Daniel, Miles and Rousseau.

As the seasons passed, we remained optimistic that when the show was over, we'd know the answers to the many questions posed (which were FAR too many in number to list here). One thing we ruled out as too obvious: that the characters were in Purgatory. When the finale aired in 2010, revealing that throughout the sixth season, that was exactly what was going on, most of us in the group were left with our jaws slack, feeling majorly let down. So many questions were left unanswered, so many plot points left dangling, so many mysterious left mysterious. And in the end, when many fans expressed our disappointment, we were told that the mysteries never mattered anyway... it was always all about character. "Bull," cried many fans. "If it had never been about the mysteries, why introduce them in the first place?"

Ah, Kate... wait what was I saying again?

Any competent writer knows that you should never feature a gun in the first act unless you plan to have someone use it to shoot someone by story's end. This show regularly paraded a veritable arsenal's worth of questions in front of us, but in the end, the writers seemed to have run out of ammunition.

Me after seeing the finale for the first time.

Now, don't get me wrong: I still love LOST. Despite how disappointed I was with the lackluster sixth season and the "all you need is love" finale, I still consider it one of the most consistently well-written and -acted series in television history. I'm currently re-watching it from start to finish, in fact, on DVD. I'm about halfway through season three—and loving it.

Who built this and why? Don't ask me.

Shortly after the finale aired, I was feeling bummed about the ending, and so I decided to write about it. But this time, instead of dissecting the episode (which seemed kind of pointless, given that the mysteries had largely been left behind by that point), I instead decided to write a satire. This idea came to me while at my friend Michelle Nielsen's barbecue. Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" came on the radio, and well... what you see below was the result.

Despite warnings to the contrary, baby Aaron was raised by another. So what were the consequences? Don't ask me.

Now, before I'm deluged with people upset with me because they loved the ending, I'll just say this: Time has passed, and I think it's been kind to LOST. I'm still able to enjoy it just as much as before, and I have a feeling that will also be true of the final season, and maybe even the finale as well. Only time will tell. So this isn't a "hater" post (as an aside, I really dislike that term and try to avoid using it whenever possible... I'm a hater of the word "hater"). It's simply a chance to share something creative that I wrote during a particular mood two years ago.

Yeah... don't even bother asking.

If you read it out loud while playing the music from that song, it scans surprisingly well! Just click the play button on the karaoke video below and sing along. Weird Al Yankovic, eat your heart out, dude.

"We Didn't Write the Mysteries"

By Rich Handley

SEASON ONE:

Plane crash, polar bear, Aaron must be raised by Claire

Cursed numbers, Walt's powers, where did Christian go

Smoke monster breaking trees, what's the beauty John sees

Wheelchair, handcuffs, I really wanna know

Ghosts, whispers, Black Rock, what's the deal with John Locke

Others, cave corpses, who's this Ethan Rom guy

Broken compass—that's weird, Tom Friendy's funny beard

Rousseau on the radio, why'd the pilot have to die

CHORUS:

We didn't write the mysteries

They've been always spinnin'

Since the show's beginnin'

We didn't write the mysteries

But we got involved an'

We were sure they'd solve 'em

SEASON TWO:

Rose's cancer now is healed, will Jack's sister be revealed

Hieroglyphs, metal hatch, Cindy disappeared

Others stealing little kids, Dharma orientation vids

Kate's horse, Henry Gale, Christian's on the skids

Eko's brother, smuggling plane, looks like Libby was insane

Sun's pregnant—who's the pop, how'd they get a food drop

Medication, vaccine, sickness, quarantine

Kelvin's map, blast doors, statue just has four toes

CHORUS:

We didn't get the answers

Though they kept on claimin'

They'd be soon explainin'

We didn't get the answers

But we didn't worry

'Cause there was no hurry

SEASON THREE:

Juliet—good or bad, magic box, John's dad

Mrs. Hawking, Mikhail's eye, why do pregnant women die

Roger Workman, Dharma van, beer in a generic can

Pearl station, dynamite, Desmond's mind can travel time

Jacob's list, Looking Glass, Ben and Annie, deadly gas

Kate and Sawyer in the cage, Richard Alpert doesn't age

Sonic fence, Naomi, Karl in Room 23

Oh my god, it's bearded Jack—flashing forward, not back

CHORUS:

We didn't heed the warnings

Oh, the cynics called it

But we still ignored it

We didn't heed the warnings

Every week, we'd watch it,

Sure they wouldn't botch it

SEASON FOUR:

Charles Whidmore seeing red, where has Michael's journey led

Ben's spy can't die, psychic Miles hears the dead

Daniel suffers memory loss, why is Linus Sayid's boss

Variables, constants, pseudo-science nonsense

O-ce-anic Six, island's broke but Jack can fix

Charlie's ghost, Locke is toast, cabin's gone when needed most

CHORUS:

We didn't see it comin'

After every season

After all the teasin'

We didn't see it comin'

And the haters jeered it

While the fans still cheered it

SEASONS FIVE AND SIX:

Jacob, Man in Black, plane survivors coming back

H-bomb, young Ben, Radzinsky, French team

Cast in past in Dharma days, Claire goes missing in a haze

Daniel murdered by his mom, Jack decides to launch the bomb

Sideways flashes, Jack's son, what the hell is going on

Richard's wife, extended life, what's so special 'bout that knife

Lighthouse, mirrors, temple lore, wine bottle metaphor

Purgatory after all, I can't take it anymore

CHORUS:

We didn't get an ending

No, they left us hangin'

Didn't tell us nothin'

They didn't solve the mysteries

Now the show is gone

And they still go on and on and on and on and on and on...

We didn't write the mysteries

They've been always spinnin'

Since the show's beginnin'

We didn't get the answers

Though they kept on claimin'

They'd be soon explainin'

We didn't heed the warnings

Oh, the cynics called it

But we still ignored it

We didn't see it comin'

After every season

After all the teasin'...