Hasslein Blog: "Captain, I Sense Something!"—ST:TNG's Season-One Dialogue


Hasslein Blog

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

"Captain, I Sense Something!"—ST:TNG's Season-One Dialogue

By Rich Handley 

My friend Drew and I were discussing Star Trek: The Next Generation today, and the following parody of the show's season-one dialogue was the result.

I'm a major Trek fan going back to the 1970s and have a great appreciation for all six TV shows and all 12 movies to date. I'm the kind of guy who can sit through "The Alternative Factor," "The Magicks of Megas-Tu," "Code of Honor," "Move Along Home," "Threshold," "These Are the Voyages," and Star Trek V: The Final Frontier without fast-forwarding through the cringe-worthy parts. I adore the Star Trek franchise, warts and all, particularly The Next Generation. So please take the following in the spirit in which it's intended, which is loving fun, and not hating trash-talk.

Every First-Season Episode's Dialogue, All Rolled Up Into One:
PICARD (tugging tunic, standing): We're under attack by a hidden alien vessel. Merde. Let's have a meeting to discuss what to do, because I am French, and then I shall lead an away team to that vessel.

YAR (grabbing phaser): Let's go kill them, Captain! When I grew up in the dangerous colony, I learned never to trust people who attack. Because I was in a dangerous colony where people attacked all the time, you know.

RIKER (lifting leg over chair, flexing pectorals): Captain, I can't let you lead the away team. It's too dangerous. You're the captain, but somehow I have the authority to refuse to follow your orders. So I'll go.

PICARD (tugging tunic, rolling eyes): Cluck-cluck, Number One. No need to hog all the fun.

DATA (turning around): Query... "hog all the fun?" I fail to see how porcine entertainment would help us survive this attack.

GEORDI (grinning blandly): It's just a phrase, Data. You know... an idiom.

DATA (cocking head): Idiom. Ah. As in dialect, jargon, locution, parlance, patois, vernacular, argot, colloquialism, expression, idiosyncrasy, lingo, localism, provincialism—

TROI (looking pained): Captain, I sense something! The hidden alien commander in the hidden spaceship is hiding something hidden! And Data owns a thesaurus!

PICARD (tugging tunic, dismissing her entirely): Thank you, Counselor.

WORF (tensing up, dripping spittle): Shall I open fire, Captain? I'm a Klingon, and Klingons like opening fire! If this were a Klingon ship, we'd have already opened fire by now! Must… open… fire!

TROI (looking pained): Captain, I sense something! Lieutenant Worf wishes to open fire!

PICARD (tugging tunic, dismissing her entirely): Thank you, Counselor.

WESLEY (entering from turbolift wearing sweater): Captain, you need to fire a tachyon burst at the alien ship so you can reverse the polarity of their reverse poralizers—reversely! That will destabilize their stabilizers and uncouple their couplers!

PICARD (tugging tunic, barking angrily): Sacré bleu! Doctor Crusher, get your son off my bridge! I don't like children on my bridge! Bridges and children don't mix, Doctor! No Frenchman would ever combine children and bridges!

BEVERLY (harrumphing): You shouldn't treat my son like that, Jean-Luc. You owe me because you delivered my husband's dead body home to us and I blame you for that for some reason. Or something. I don't know. I love you. I mean, I'll be in sickbay.

TROI (looking pained): Captain, I sense something! Doctor Crusher is angry and hiding her love for you!

PICARD (tugging tunic, dismissing her entirely): Thank you, Counselor.

RIKER (lifting leg over chair, fawning at Troi): Are you alright, Deanna?

TROI (posing in various seductive stances): Yes, Imzadi, which means "soul mate" on Betazed. But please stop looking at me that way. We need to keep things professional, Imzadi, because you left me behind on Betazed, and now we just work together. Captain, I sense something! Commander Decker, I mean Riker, who was my Imzadi when we were together on Delta IV, I mean Betazed, and I are still in love with each other but are afraid to admit it!

PICARD (tugging tunic, dismissing her entirely): Thank you, Counselor.

GEORDI (sighing): I wish I had normal eyes instead of these implants that allow me to see a larger portion of the EM spectrum but really hurt my head, so that I could check out how sexy Ilia, I mean Counselor Troi, is right now. No woman will ever love me like she loves Will Decker, I mean Will Riker. I might as well transfer to Engineering.

TROI (looking pained): Captain, I sense something! Commander LaForge feels different from the rest of us because of the spray-painted banana clip on his face, and he's also very lonely!

PICARD (tugging tunic, dismissing her entirely): Thank you, Counselor.

ALIEN (via voiceover): Attention, Earth vessel! Surrender in ten of your Earth minutes or we shall destroy you, vile Earth scum!

PICARD (tugging tunic, heading toward ready room): I think a meeting is in order to discuss our options. Because I'm French, you see. Au revoir!

WORF (foaming at the mouth): After the meeting, can I open fire, Captain? I'm a Klingon! Qapla'! 

YAR (body-slamming Worf): No! I'm the security chief here, at least for now! If anyone does any fire-opening, it will be me, because I lived in a dangerous colony when I was a kid, so I never had my fair share of chances to open fire on my own!

WORF (taking a beating from someone half his size): Raaaaaaaa!

RIKER (lifting leg over chair, grabbing Troi): Imzadi! I'll protect you!

DATA (cocking head): What about the aliens, Captain? Since I am an android who is superior to humans in many respects but who would gladly give it all up to be a human and normally cannot comprehend contractions except when I can, I just checked the sensors and they are still attacking us. I wish I were a real, live boy.

PICARD (tugging tunic, entering ready room): Excellent question, Commander Data. Clearly, we need to have a meeting to come up with a counter-strategy. Vive la France!

TROI (looking pained): Captain, I sense something! You're fiercely proud of your French heritage, to the point of absurdity in a society in which Earth is completely united as a single people!

PICARD (tugging tunic, smiling): Why, yes I am, Counselor. Merci. The French have a long history of wondrous achievements, you know. Have you ever been to La Barre? Oh, it's quite lovely, especially at night. I'm from there, you know, as is evident by my British accent. It's a wonderful honeymoon spot. You and Commander Riker should visit it if you get married in a later film.

WESLEY (entering from turbolift wearing different sweater): Can I go, too?

PICARD (clenching fists): Mon Dieu! Mr. Worf, fire!

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